Molasses

I’m in a period of my life that feels very slow. Days seem longer than they have since I was in high school. I find myself for the first time in eleven years with six, seven, sometimes eight hours of “free time” to fill after I’ve completed my workday. I am sometimes astonished to find that I’ve gone for a walk, written half a paper, and made a homemade dinner and dessert, and it’s only 8:30pm.

Being a student is the greatest thing that’s happened to me since chocolate and cats.

I reflect on the past two years with particular interest, wondering how on earth I suffered through a two hour commute each way (read – a total of four hours of commuting daily) to a job I mostly hated, leaving home at seven AM and arriving home at seven PM. Going to bed just two hours later so I could get up at five thirty AM to maybe exercise or eat something unprocessed. Those were the unhealthiest two years of my life, a time of depression and feelings of hopelessness. I consider the two years that I get to spend in school to be a reward for those two years of total crappiness, a sharp breath of cold delicious air after a trek through a flat, hot desert (ok dramatic, but really – that’s how it feels). Aaaaaaaah. Scccchhhhhoooooolllll.

Yesterday during the break for my History of Social Work class, I spent some time talking to a classmate, Mimi. I like Mimi a lot. She is smart, and asks good questions, and seems self-possessed and motivated. We discussed settlement houses (we’d just been learning about Hull House), and what a modern settlement-type house might look like here in Philadelphia. We had the idea to talk with some other classmates and banter ideas back and forth, and maybe come up with some ideas about the needs of our city. As usual, I felt the small flicker of excitement torch in my belly when discussing potential creative outlets and the social sciences (and the combination of the two!) and promised to email Mimi. And I will.

My 25-year-old self already would have. The email would be sent, and others would be invited into the discussion, and a blueprint for the meeting would already have been made. I am historically a person who is on top of everything, two steps ahead. I get things done – I got things done.

Now it feels a lot different. Since the slowdown, my little burning idea has joined a small grocery cart of thoughts and interests floating around inside me that will be tended to in good time. While the excitement remains, the sense of urgency is muted. Rather, there is time to take a look at what I’m doing at any given moment, and just breathe it in and enjoy it, and it feels healthier than the marathon I was metaphorically running for so long, healthier by far. Life slowed down is savory, and I’m sucking it all in.

                                                   Grad school - as good as vacation.