Hyperverbal

http://www.youtube.com/embed/h7SSMTKGO1M

So, above is a link to a performance by the Spellbound dance company. Do watch it; it's beautiful and amazing to see. I saw them this weekend, and am still affected by the experience. Haunting, powerful, and familiar. All those good things that art performances should be.

The performance I saw was described as an expression of lack of verbal connection in our culture - so many "empty words" said, with humans trying to reach one another in whatever ways they can think of, sometimes successfully, sometimes not so. This theme is highly familiar and highly relevant to me. My focus and priority over the past five years has centered in on connection, to such a point that a day without real conversation feels false and lazy. I am tireless in my efforts to be heard and be understood, amongst my people, and, in smaller ways, everywhere else. I've found that the world is very scary to me without this process, which is funny, because there was  time when intimacy and vulnerability were the scariest things around. I doggedly pursue the privilege of being vulnerable anywhere and everywhere. I don''t feel myself otherwise.

In lieu of this, I have become aware of the importance of language and dialogue in my life. This is something I wish were different. I am always feeling the need to explain myself, or tell on myself, almost. It's as though my thoughts need to be said out loud in order for them to be legitimate. I have such respect for people that can communicate in silence or choose their words carefully but still carry maximum impact. I hope to get to that place myself sometime.

However, I would argue that this profession creates a need for language. There is a pulse inside me that needs to be released to maintain personal health and not break under the sadness and hopelessness of some days. Or, a joy that demands to be shared on others. There is a need to push back vocally to avoid getting absorbed into the day-to-day mess that's witnessed in psychotherapy. In this way, too, words prove necessary. At least for me.

But seeing this performance, I felt embarrassed by all my talking. I think I assume that other people won't understand my emotional state unless I lay it out explicitly, and I wonder if maybe this is foolish. Or maybe it's more foolish to expect that anyone could "read my mind" unless I'm completely forthright. But it's worth looking into - how we are talking to each other without saying anything, and the many ways that might take shape. It certainly leaves wide open spaces for art, for dance, for music, and for silence, within the space of psychotherapy.