Only Heart

I have recently found myself in the very sad predicament of feeling pretty much Godless. Not that God has abandoned me, or vice versa, but rather, that God has stopped having much relevance in my life. I've found myself afflicted with the same growing cynicism that most of my community has - the undeniable feeling that religious affiliation and practice seems silly, and oppressive, and generally counterproductive to the greater good. Rituals, traditions, and practices seem a waste of time - trite and useless, and showing a certain weakness. Prayer becomes rote, and we arrive at something that looks like I am God, and God is me, and so there it is. Or at least I have.

I was meeting with a client today, a sixteen year old girl that identifies as Muslim and keeps herself mostly covered from head to toe. I asked her when she became Muslim, and she said committed to the faith at age six, because at that age all the most beautiful people she knew were Muslim. I inquired about the reasons behind wearing the covering, which has always seen so oppressive to me  and seems to hide so many beautiful Muslim women. She explained that to her, the covering makes women more beautiful, because it allows the public "To see only our hearts. To judge us only by our hearts."

This gorgeous sentiment rang so honest and wise that tears stung my eyes.

Religion can be a weapon, of this there is no doubt. It is a weapon that can break apart buildings, crush spirits, and build walls between us. It is there in hospital rooms, preventing loving partners from being together in sickness because they are of the same sex. It is splashed on signs in city sidewalks, tearing young women apart who are making the brave and personal choice not to bear their pregnancy, whatever their reasons. It is thematically there in amateur videos posted on youtube for the world to see, prompting shame, embarrassment, ager, vengeance, death. It is there and it is there and it is there, hurting so many of us. Used to hurt eachother, it is there, everyday. One tires of this. I tire of this.

But then, someone like my client says or does something profound, and I remember how my own spiritual experience was shaped and nurtured by that foundational and simple premise of love - a love that feels so powerful that sometimes you believe your heart is showing right through your chest. A love that might convince you that a small piece of you is made of something greater, something pure. Godliness. Love. Heart. And in these moments I'm reminded of why I'm doing all this in the first place...something like a calling...a dedication, in spite of everything, that I can do no other...I find SUCH comfort, and such joy, in this.